


Break On Through

by flufshepherd



Category: Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency (TV 2016)
Genre: Adventure, Alternate Realities, Canon-Typical Violence, First Kiss, First Time, M/M, Mystery, Not AU, Post-Canon, Project Blackwing (Dirk Gently)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-09
Updated: 2018-09-09
Packaged: 2019-07-10 06:58:08
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 17,186
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15944138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flufshepherd/pseuds/flufshepherd
Summary: Dirk had been having feelings about Todd. Hunches, if you will, almost every waking hour for the past three days. Hunches like: check in on Todd, keep Todd close, protect Todd.In which doors are opened, Dirk and Todd try to rescue each other, Dirk discovers a version of himself he'd rather not know, and Todd faces off with a lion.





	Break On Through

**Author's Note:**

> This work is not only the first fanfic I've done in this fandom, it's also the first fanfic I've done in over 10 years. Here's hoping I haven't lost my touch. Also, this is unbeta'ed, so please forgive any mistakes!

Dirk had been having feelings about Todd. Hunches, if you will, almost every waking hour for the past three days. Hunches like: check in on Todd, keep Todd close, _protect_ Todd.

His hunches were rarely so clear; more often than not, they were vague impulses or accidents that lead Dirk down dark (and often dangerous) paths. This time, however, the message was clear. As clear as Todd's crystal-blue eyes.

Todd was in danger. And Dirk must stay with him at all times to keep him safe.

Of course _knowing_ this was easy. _Doing it_ was proving absurdly difficult.

Todd, as it happened, had frankly unrealistic ideas on the topic of personal boundaries. It hardly took half a day of receiving Dirk's holistic bodyguard services before they were in a bar and Todd was manhandling Dirk from his lavatory stall.

"But I need to be _with_ you. I can close my eyes if that'll make it easier."

Todd had flashed a look at the door, where a wary-looking gentleman had recently entered, watching them with a judgmental curled lip. He probably also disapproved of how not-seriously Todd was taking his own safety.

"Fine," Dirk had said, realizing that Todd was going to be very stubborn about this. "You can do it on your own. But I'm standing right here until you're done."

For some reason, Mr. Judgmental by the door had made a choked sound at that and a hasty retreat, and Todd followed suit.

"But Todd, didn't you have to—?"

"It can wait until after I kill you," Todd grumbled.

From then on, Dirk attempted to be slightly more covert in his Todd-watching. He'd even go so far as to leave Todd's apartment at night (whether voluntarily or not), so long as Todd responded to his texts. Which he sent every hour on the hour. And then, if Todd was so foolish as to fall asleep, Dirk would break in through the fire escape to keep watch all night.

Obviously, he didn't tell Todd about the hunches. While Dirk wasn't sure whether he was supposed to be protecting Todd from crossbows or polar bears or robots or what, the one thing he _could_ protect Todd from was worrying. And if Todd knew that Dirk sensed danger, then he'd worry. He'd start doing that (adorable) thing he does where his eyebrows scrunch up his entire forehead. Then Dirk would have to fight the urge to smooth it out again and it'd frankly be more trouble than it was worth.

No, it was much easier to execute Operation Protect Todd without Todd ever needing know.

He did, however, tell Farah. Farah, who typically had unquestioning faith in—well, somewhat questioning faith in—well, reluctant willingness to entertain his various notions, received this with an inexplicable eyeroll and a curt, "Uh-huh." As if to imply that his feelings might not be coming from the universe so much as from his, as she put it, "obvious school-boy crush and cloying insecurity."

Dirk had guffawed mightily at Farah's rather misguided attempts at psychoanalysis and assured her that any feelings he might be having were strictly professional. Todd was his assis-friend, and serious, successful, holistic detectives do not have "crushes" on their assis-friends.

So when Todd disappeared the following day, Farah was proven terribly wrong twice over: a) The universe _had_ been telling Dirk to protect Todd, and b) Dirk did _not_ have a "crush" on Todd.

No, if finding Todd missing taught him anything, it was that he did not have a "crush." A crush was galaxies away from what he felt. A crush was a tiny match next to the sun of what Todd was to Dirk.

This revelation of Dirk's not-so-new, not-so-professional feelings toward Todd would have to wait for the time being. At present, Dirk had to devote all of his energy on finding Todd and maintaining any semblance of composure in the process.

Actually, seeing as Farah had composure enough for the both of them, Dirk allowed himself a slight panic.

"Farah, what if we can't find him? What if it's too late? What if something has happened? What on earth is _that_?" The last question was directed toward a particularly conspicuous door in the middle of Todd's apartment.

The door, which was certainly the front door of a house, complete with knocker, letter box, and gold-plated numbering, stood in its frame right where Todd's couch had been.

Dirk knew that Todd had been in the process of replacing all of his torn-up furniture. Even for Todd, however, replacing a sofa with a door was a very unconventional choice. It was far more likely that this door was a clue. Unless...

Dirk raised a cautious hand and pressed his palm against the door. "Todd, are you a door?"

No response. But, if Todd were a door, isn't nothing exactly what he would say?

"Dirk, Todd is not a door."

Dirk stepped back and eyed the door-Todd skeptically.

Farah approached the door from the opposite side and slowly swung it open. Dirk looked through and saw—nothing. It was just the other side of Todd's apartment. Except—

"Farah!"

Farah poked her head around the other side. "What?"

"No, go back where you were. Yes, yes, right there. Oh, yes, that's _very_ interesting."

"Dirk?"

"Farah, you are _not_ on the other side of this door. Can you see me?"

Farah came around to the other side. "Yeah, of course. You couldn't see me?"

"Switch!" Dirk ran around to where Farah had been and she took his spot. Sure enough, from the interior side (insomuch as an unattached door can have an interior side), Dirk could see Farah fine, yet she couldn't see him. They switched back and forth several times until Dirk had the absolutely genius idea of going _through_ the door.

"I can see you now," Farah said. She frowned and craned her neck to the side. "But... you aren't here anymore. I mean, you're here. I see you. But, you aren't..." she trailed off and walked around the door once again. She disappeared from Dirk's vantage, too, though he could still hear her moving around. He took the opportunity to do some exploring.

First, Todd's bathroom. Same as it always was, maybe a little tidier. Then the kitchen, same. A peak outside into the Ridgley's hallway. Same. A look out the fire escape.

"So what is this exactly?"

Dirk leapt out of his skin and smashed his head against the window. " _Ow_! Farah, I thought we were trying to do something about your sneaking."

"Sorry," she said, not sounding sorry in the slightest. "This isn't Todd's apartment."

"Yes it—oh, it _isn't_! Well done, Farah!" Now that he knew what he was looking for, he failed to see a single item of Todd's. This was not the breakfast table that he and Todd bought two weeks ago. That television was far fancier than Todd's. That patch of wall was distinctly not burned from when Dirk exploded the microwave last April.

What he had thought was just Todd's tidying up was actually... well he wasn't sure what it was. But Farah was right, this was not Todd's apartment. Yet, each of the two apartments had this very out of place, very magical door standing right in the center.

Dirk pulled a magazine from the bin, it was postmarked a few days ago. That meant no time-travel, and that meant—

"It is very possible we are in another reality."

"Another..."

"Reality, yes."

Farah nodded. "I can't even get surprised by this stuff anymore. So, another reality. Do we think Todd came though the door the same way we did? If he did it without realizing, he could just be at the office waiting for us."

"If there _is_ an office. I mean, if Todd Brotzman doesn't live in this apartment in this universe, who's to say what else is different? Maybe Todd never worked at the Perriman Grand. Maybe we never met. Maybe this universe doesn't even have a Todd or a Dirk or a Farah. I need to..." Dirk sat down on one of the love seats that did not exist in Todd's apartment.

What he wasn't saying out loud, what he frightened him even more than a potentially Todd-less universe, was the fact that there was no way that Todd would have walked through a magic door without Dirk or Farah with him. Not voluntarily.

He couldn't help but feel that incessant, nagging feeling tugging at his gut again.

_Todd is in danger. Todd is in danger._

Only this time, he wasn't so sure if it really was the universe talking to him. In fact, he wasn't sure he spoke this universe's language at all.

***

Todd woke up with a massive hangover (not unusual) and an arm wrapped around his body (very, very unusual). He cast his mind back over the previous night. There was the phone call from Amanda, the typical post-Amanda guilt-depression, the beer, the weed, the bar, the guy at the bar buying him whiskey shots.

Ah.

The guy at the bar.

It had been a while since he'd been with anyone, so he hoped he didn't embarrass himself too badly last night. The grin that met him when he turned his head satisfied him that he had nothing to worry about in that area.

What did worry him was the stiffness he could feel growing against his hip.

"I better get going," Todd says.

"What's the rush?" The guy had a gravelly voice, which seemed appropriate considering the ghost of cigarette smell that had settled in the room. He was older than Todd by nearly a decade, but not worse off for his age, his red-and-gray stubble suiting his dark eyes and pale skin. He was on the thin side, with some muscle weighing down the arm now moving slowly down Todd's torso.

It wasn't that Todd minded the attention. God knows he'd been touch-starved of late. It was just that there was something about this guy that wasn't sitting right with him. Maybe something he did or said last night? If only Todd could remember a little better.

"I've got work."

The man slid closer, his whole body pressed against Todd's side now. He felt warm and pleasant. "You got some big case to solve?"

Todd frowned. What exactly did he tell this guy last night?

"No, I just..."

"Well then whatever it is, it can wait." The guy started running his mouth down Todd's shoulder and Todd wasn't proud of how easily he let his eyes slide closed. Of its own accord, his hand came up to card through the coarse hair moving above him.

"Blow off work today. I want to show you something that'll blow your mind."

The guy's mouth moving further down now. Last night aside, it had been so long. Todd let his apprehension fall to the side for now. He can worry after...

A warm breath on his thigh, a nuzzle. Todd opened his eyes again and he caught the man's smirking gaze. _Emery_ , he suddenly remembered from last night. This guy's name was Emery.

Todd's interest was certainly growing, and Emery suddenly examined that interest with his mouth.

"Ah," Todd said, eloquently. "Ahm."

Emery was sloppy, but resourceful, and it was only the work of a few minutes until Todd reached incoherence. He was not unaware of the slick finger crawling around his waist.

With an embarrassing pop, Emery released Todd from his mouth for what Todd hoped was only a quick break.

"You like that?"

He blushed a little. He couldn't help it. His breathlessness seemed to be enough of an answer for both of them.

"You look so sweet. You _taste_ so sweet." He emphasized his point with an obscene movement of his tongue. "I knew you and I could work so well together, but this..."

As the finger found its target, Todd reached down and grabbed the hardness that had been pressed against Todd's bent legs.

"Oh yeah," Emery said. "Oh, _Dirk_."

Todd froze. He pulled away slowly. "Dirk?"

Emery continued to nuzzle him. "Sorry. Do you prefer Svlad? Or did you want me to call you 'baby'? 'Sexy'? 'Sir'?"

"Did you..." Todd paused. "Did I..." Did he tell this guy his name was Dirk? Why would he have done that? He re-played last night in his mind one more time. As much as he could remember. "Did I tell you my name was Dirk?"

Emery looked a little sheepish. "You really are a good detective."

And what was _that_ about?

"What?"

"Look it's nothing weird, all right? I heard about you before last night and I've been, well, interested. But you were with your bodyguard all the time so I could never approach you..."

"My bodyguard?"

"Your assistant, whatever."

Todd found his underwear on the floor by the bed and put it on. He _knew_ it. He knew there was something weird about this guy. Handsome strangers didn't just hit on Todd without there being something rotten in Denver.

"Look, dude, I think you've been stalking the wrong guy. No harm done, though, right? I'm just going to... go."

"Dirk, come on. Let me just explain. Or—can't you just do your, you know. Your thing? Listen to the universe or whatever and see that I'm not dangerous?"

Dangerous? Now that he rang that bell, Todd couldn't help but notice some very unusual items around this guy's bedroom. Like, was that a _sword_ in the corner? And, oh, yeah, okay, that was a rifle against the bedside table. How drunk was he last night not to notice...

"Sorry, did you say 'listen to the universe'?"

"Yeah, isn't that your whole thing? The 'holistic' part of Dirk Gently's detective agency?"

"Look, I'm not..." He looked at the various weapons lying around the room. He spoke slowly, with his hands raised carefully. "My name is Todd Brotzman, and I have no idea who Dirk Gently is."

***  


"Is that a..."

"A _rainbow_ cat!" Dirk knelt to pet it. Then, he licked its head. "This is not dyed fur. This is a naturally rainbow cat. This reality has _rainbow cats_."

Farah nodded, taking all this in rather effortlessly. Farah always had a sort of grace for accepting the abnormal, focusing on the practicalities and saving panic for later. In the moment, she never got stuck on the peculiarities of the universe, asking silly questions like, "How can a vending machine be haunted?" or "How did you get the horse out of the bathroom?" or "How did you know I drew a cowboy?"

God, but did Dirk _miss Todd_.

"Right, so what we know about this reality: Todd Brotzman does not live in the Ridgely," he counted on his fingers, "there is no Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency, or at least this Dirk Gently doesn't see the benefits of phone book advertising, which would _never_ happen; and now, rainbow cats, which does not entirely make up for items one and two. Farah. Next moves?"

"Shouldn't you be telling me that? With your," she waved her hand a bit like a butterfly, " _thing_?"

Dirk shrugged, like it wasn't important. Like it wasn't driving him crazy. "Well, the thing about my thing is that it applies to the interconnectedness of all things in the universe. The universe, Farah, not multiple universes. For all I know, up is down here, black is orange, and all things are not interconnected."

Farah narrowed her eyes at him. "You don't believe that."

"I— No, I don't. But my thing as you call it is on a temporary hiatus. So let's say, for the moment, that I have no thing. I am thingless. So you do, you know, your thing."

"What's my thing?"

Dirk did his best imitation of a soldier. Which, honestly, was just fixing his posture. "You know, tactics. Resourcefulness-ing. Maps, clues. Karate?"

"Right, well. We checked the office and he wasn't there. We checked his apartment and he wasn't there. I'd suggest we try Amanda, but I don't think Todd even knows where she's staying right now. I think, if Todd is in this universe, he isn't sticking to his normal routine." Dirk felt a sinking feeling in his chest as Farah confirmed what he'd originally suspected. "He didn't just accidentally come here, did he?"

"It seems more likely that he was brought here by someone, or something, else. Can you think of anyone who would have taken him?"

Dirk shook his head. "We don't even know if he was taken from somebody in our universe or this one."

"Great. So. An entire universe to search and we have... nothing to go on. Honestly, Dirk, this calls for your thing way more than mine. What would you normally do in this situation?"

"Well, if my thing were working, which it's not, I probably wouldn't have to do anything. Usually at this point, some important clue would simply make itself known."

At which point, a black van tearing down the street screeched to a halt next to Farah and Dirk. The door slid open and Corporal Friedkin of all people stepped out. Dirk let out a very manly screech and leapt behind Farah.

"Captain Cjelli. We have reports of another door appearance. I'm to bring you there as soon as possible, sir."

Farah raised her eyebrow at Dirk from over her shoulder. Dirk shrunk in on himself. "I didn't mean _that_."

***

Back in his own universe, and very much not in danger, Todd Brotzman dialed Dirk's number for the fourth time in the hour. No response.

When he had gotten to the office this morning, neither Dirk nor Farah were anywhere to be found. Not unusual for Dirk, whose sense of office hours was as misguided as his idea of the appropriate number of jackets one person should own.

Farah, however, was never late without sending five text messages to both Dirk and Todd, voicemails for both of them, one on the office answering machine, and an e-mail.

At first, he was pretty sure that they were getting back at him for ignoring Dirk's calls this morning, but it's been four hours and both of their phones were going straight to voicemail. Something bad had happened to his friends and Todd, on the _one day_ he was late, wasn't there to help them.

He was now on his way back to the Ridgley, hoping to find Dirk safely in bed with nothing more to complain about than a dead phone. Todd could imagine it; Dirk had simply stayed up all night watching cat videos, passed out, sleep-dialed Todd sixteen times this morning until the phone died. And Farah... well, Todd didn't have as plausible an explanation for why Farah wasn't answering her phone either.

He took the stairs two-at-a-time until he was at Dirk's apartment, unlocked as always and remarkably still un-vandalized.

"Dirk?" He stepped carefully through Dirk's apartment, looking for any clues for where he might have gone. It didn't seem like there had been any struggle, but Todd wasn't sure he'd be able to tell, given the general squallor Dirk tended to surround himself with.

Finding nothing, Todd headed back to his own apartment. It wasn't impossible that he might find Dirk there; he had been spending more time in Todd's apartment lately than his own. If he thought Todd didn't notice him camping out in his living room every other night, he wasn't half as good of a detective as he said he was.

Todd didn't know why Dirk had dialed up his clinginess the past week, but he had a few suspicions. The top contender was that Dirk somehow found out about Todd's carefully-concealed feelings and was over-correcting to avoid the awkwardness of flat-out rejecting Todd.

It was the type of Dirkian logic that drove Todd crazy, and he started to associate Dirk's constant presence with _he doesn't want you like that_ , and _he thinks you can't handle his rejection_ , and _he pities you_.

So, yes, Todd did sneak out of his apartment last night before Dirk could sneak back in. And yes, he had ignored Dirk's phone calls (and Farah's, when it was clear she was calling on Dirk's behalf). And, yes, he did hate himself now that he realized they were probably calling him because they were in danger and, like a selfish ass, he just ignored them and sat there playing his guitar in Amanda's abandoned garage.

When he got back to his own apartment, he was faced with a large, commanding door standing upright in the middle of his living room. No sooner did the door behind him close with a comforting 'thud' than the door in front of him swung open.

Dirk Gently, a sight for sore eyes, stepped through into Todd's living room and reached out his hand.

"Ah, you must be Todd Brotzman. My name is Svlad."

***

In another universe, a very nervous Todd Brotzman was cornered against a radiator in nothing but his underwear, trying not to think too hard about Silence of the Lambs, while a crazy guy with a sword paced back and forth in front of him.

***

Despite every natural instinct telling him to run as far from Friedkin as possible, Dirk got into the van with Farah. After all, getting into mysterious vans to discover mysterious doors is very much Dirk's _modus operandi_.

He just has to keep reminding himself that this Corporal Friedkin is not the same trigger-happy, psychotic moron that had locked him up and experimented on him for months.

This reality's Corporal Friedkin still had an edge of "trigger happy" and "psychotic" about him, but he seemed to grade slightly lower on the "moron" scale than Dirk's Friedkin. And he was operating under the very fascinating assumption that Dirk, or rather, Svlad, was a very suave, handsome secret agent who solved paranormal mysteries for the CIA.

Beside him, Farah barely contained her anger. Dirk gave her shoulder a consolatory pat and whispered to her, "Don't worry, I'm sure in most alternate universes, you're a very succesful secret agent, too."

Farah relaxed slightly before turning her worried gaze to Dirk. "Do you think this door is going to help us find Todd?"

Dirk deflated. "It has to," he said in his quietest voice, feeling as unsure as he'd ever felt in his entire life.

When they got there, they found that this new door looked exactly the same as the one in Todd's living room. The same golden numbers, the same knocker, the same letter box. Except, this door wasn't in Todd's apartment, but was standing next to a the dumpster in a nondescript back alley behind a bar. It reeked of urine, beer, and rubbish.

"I think I've been here before," Dirk mused.

"This place smells awful," Farah responded.

"Yes, ma'am." Friedkin didn't seem all too bothered that Dirk had insisted on Farah joining them. He wondered if his counterpart often adopted stray assistants off the street, or if Farah's counterpart in this universe was an established part of Svlad's life. "We have some men from the agency coming to retrieve the door if you would prefer to postpone your investigation until we have it back in the facility."

"No!" Every eye in the alley turned to Dirk. "We are not going anywhere near the facility."

"Sir?"

"It's just that." He grasped for any feasible explanation for his outburst. ""This door, you see, is a... yes! This door is a tear in the fabric of this very universe. Moving it from this spot could be like... like sticking a knife in a paper cut and dragging it across your body."

It wasn't a lie; Dirk really had no idea if moving the door was safe for the universe or not. What he did know was that he was going to die before he'd willingly step into Blackwing again.

"Has anyone opened it yet?" Dirk asked, before anyone could try to change his mind.

"We were waiting for you, sir."

"Ah, well." Dirk gestured and Friedkin nodded, taking the handle in his hand.

On the other wide of the door was— well, just about the most gorgeous sight Dirk had ever seen. They all crowded around the frame to stare.

It was... the universe. It was galaxies and stars and swirling, beautiful, existence. Had there been a floor (or oxygen) on the other side, Dirk would have taken a step through and been in space. It was marvelous.

"Is this another alternate reality?" Farah asked.

Dirk nodded. "Most likely. A universe within a universe. Only, for a smaller nesting doll, this reality sure seems _ginormous_."

"Yeah," Farah agreed, breathlessly.

Friedkin stepped away first, speaking into his radio. "We're escalating the Mojo case to code green. I repeat, we are escalating—"

"Corporal Friedkin," Dirk said, attempting what he hoped could be classified as an air of authority. "Remind me what a code green is?"

"Extra-terrestrial, sir. If we've got an alien door to outerspace in the suburbs of Seattle, we have to alert the proper branches of the military."

"Yes, right of course. You can cancel that escalation, quick as you like. This is not an alien door."

"With all due respect, sir," he gestured pointedly.

"Yes, well, it is a door to outer space, but it is not an _alien_ door to outer space. This is a very Earth-y door. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I detect turn-of-the-century New England door-iness." An old door in Seattle, in another dimension, leading to outer space. And still no Todd.

"Dir— Svlad, you're right. You have been here before. We were all here last week." Farah motioned for Dirk to join her at the entrance to the alley. She pointed next door. "That is the bar we went to after you solved the Trawley case. Remember? We cut through this alley to get home."

She was right. That was the night Todd had snapped at Dirk for following him into the lavatory. Todd had been getting particularly maudlin and irritable with Dirk after that, so they had cut the night short.

"Aha! I knew it!" Farah shot him a look. "Well, I didn't know _this_ , but I knew there was was cause for extra vigilance that night. And Todd didn't want me to watch him— well, we don't need to go into that. But I was right!"

"Did you find something?" Friedkin was suddenly standing right there and Dirk nearly had a heart attack.

 _Friedkin not bad_ , he kept trying to remind himself. Well, Friedkin _probably_ not bad. Friedkin not trying to detain Dirk, at least. For now.

"No, no," Dirk lied. "We're just reminiscing."

They took a few steps away from him and Farah spoke in a quiet voice. "That door was there last week. I remember seeing it now, with the trash. It was a Friday, and I remember thinking about how the city doesn't pick up large bulk items on the weekend."

"It doesn't?"

"Dirk. If that door was here and in Todd's apartment... Is it stalking him?" She swung around to find Friedkin. "Corporal! We are going to need a map."

***

Friedkin called in Lieutenant Assistent, who brought with him a map of where all the other doors had been located. Seven doors in total had been found, not including the one in Todd's apartment (which Dirk and Farah were keeping to themselves for the moment).

Farah and Dirk could connected four of the doors to places Todd and Dirk had been together. The other three seemed completely randomly placed. Farah took a picture of their locations with her phone and pulled Dirk aside.

"We need to check out those spots. Do you think you can shake these Blackwing guys?"

"You don't think we'll need them?"

"I appreciate their... resources." That was a nice way to say guns, Dirk understood. "But I've never seen you so uncomfortable. If we're going to find Todd, I'm going to need you to be regular-Dirk. Not constantly-looking-over-his-shoulder Dirk."

Dirk loved Farah. He told her as much.

"Uh, well. Right. Yes. Thank you." She was flustered. Dirk smiled at her and gave her a warm shoulder pat. She switched gears. "Look, as far as I can see, you're the outranking official in this situation. Just tell them we need to go do recon and that we'll be better off alone. And sound confident."

With a nod and a deep breath, Dirk did just that. And it was very easy. They went to leave, but Lieutenant Assistent's voice stopped them.

"Will you be needing your weapons, Agent Black?"

Farah and Dirk exchanged a look and turned around simultaneously.

"My...?"

Assistent carried over an alarmingly well-stocked case of weaponry, including three guns, several sharp, pointy things, and several menacing objects Dirk couldn't identify at all.

"We couldn't bring all of your supplies on the short notice, but now that we know you're back in the country we can get them sent over within a few days."

Farah's eyes looked like they were about to fall out of her head. Dirk gave her a little nudge.

"Ah, yes. No. This will be... adequate." She grabbed the case from Assistent like he was liable to change his mind at any second. "Thank you."

"Any time, ma'am. Just radio if you need anything. Captain. Agent."

And with that, they were dismissed.

As they left to the closest door location, Dirk couldn't help but whisper. "Farah, I think in this universe, you and I may be _badasses_."

***

"No, no, no, no, no. You are not Todd Brotzman. Todd Brotzman is the sidekick, and Dirk Gently is the detective."

Todd had no idea the safest way to respond. Emery was obviously insane and was waving sword far more liberally than Todd was comfortable with. He just tried to make himself small and inch as imperceptibly toward the door as possible.

"It has to be you. I  _watched_ you! You do all the investigating and rescuing. Your assistant just stumbles around and talks too much."

He wasn't too far from the bedroom door now. If he could just reach the handle in one move, he could almost certainly get out of this unscathed. God, he wished he was wearing his pants.

"No, no. This is all wrong. Why do I do this? Why do I always get things so _wrong_? If you aren't Icarus then..." Emery looked up and saw Todd. He raised his sword and stepped closer. "Stay where you are!"

"Sorry!" Todd raised his hands. "Hey, look, man. I want to help you out here, but I'm not sure how."

"I need... I need to think. And I need _you_ to stay here until I've figured this out."

Some people must have been walking by on the sidewalk, because a few voices came in through the curtained window. They provided just the distraction Todd needed to make his move. He darted across the small span from the bedroom door just as he heard Emery shout, "No!"

The sword clanged to the floor and a cold hand grasped Todd's arm. Suddenly, Todd was being pushed through a totally new door that had _not been there before_ , and then, darkness.

"What the..."

Several questions came to him at once. What the hell just happened? Where the hell was he now? Was there anything in here he could use to defend himself if Emery came back?

He looked around. The room was dark, and somehow Todd didn't think he was in Emery's house any more, as impossible as that was. The air here was different, with a funny yet familiar smell. And it felt like nighttime, even though it had been morning just a second ago.

He took a few tentative steps away from the door and waited for his eyes to adapt to the darkness.

Eventually, details started to differentiate themselves to him. For one, this wasn't a room. The thick bars around him made this a cage, about 10 feet by 10. There didn't appear to be any furniture, aside from the large door that Todd had come through, making this very unlikely to be a prison cell. All he could make out was a pile of blankets in the far corner.

Well, seeing as he was wearing nothing but his boxers, he went to grab one of the blankets before it it _grunted_. Todd narrowed his eyes. Then, he realized how he recognized the smell.

This was a zoo. And that was—yep, that was a sleeping lion.

He reached behind him for the door. The handle turned, but something was blocking it shut.

Fuck. _Fuck_.

***

Todd couldn't help but stare at the not-his-Dirk driving them across not-his-Seattle.

It hadn't been hard for Svlad to convince Todd he came from an alternate reality. Even if they didn't have a portal to one right in his living room, it only took two seconds of listening to Svlad to know that there was no way that this was his Dirk Gently.

Well, "his" in the purely platonic, universal sense.

For one, Svlad was _stoic_. A word Todd wouldn't use to describe anything remotely tangential to Dirk Gently. He limited his speaking to exactly what was necessary to get a point across, expressing almost nothing with his face.

It was creepy as hell.

The differences didn't end there. Even just in this moment, Svlad was driving them in his sensible, nondescript black sedan, and Todd wasn't clinging to the dashboard in fear for his life.

Also, this Dirk— _Svlad_ —was... sexy. Todd was attracted to Dirk (boy, was he attracted to Dirk), but he knew that Dirk wasn't exactly Mr. January in the sexy-detective calendar. But Svlad was _chiseled_. His very tailored, very expensive-looking suit didn't hide what promised to be a very well-formed physique. This was what Dirk would look like if went to the gym every day and he didn't eat like a twelve year old.

"So," Todd said, trying to break the silence that had settled uncomfortable around them ever since they set out together. "You're... with the CIA?"

"Yes," said Svlad. "I can't tell you any more than that, I'm afraid. It's all top-secret."  
  
"Blackwing, right?"

Svlad frowned at him. "You shouldn't know that name."

Todd shook his head. "I think I find it harder to believe you're part of Blackwing than any of the rest of... wait, is that cat rainbow colored?"

Svlad swerved slightly to avoid hitting it. "Why should it be so hard to believe?"

"What, that you became a soldier for the same organization that imprisoned you as a child and experimented on you for over a decade?"

"No, that I allied myself with the organization that showed me at a young age how to understand and control my psychic abilities, however impersonal their methods."

"Whatever you say, dude." Todd watched this familiar-yet-unfamiliar world pass through the window. Quietly, to himself, he smirked. "I _knew_ you were psychic."

Todd casually ignored the way Svlad glanced at him with interest. "So, in your reality, you're my... friend?"

Todd smiled. Some insecurities were unchangeable, it seemed. "Yeah. We're best friends."

Svlad grinned before quickly sobering up with a gruff clearing of his throat. "The nature of my lifestyle doesn't easily accommodate friendship. People tend to find me intense. Weird." He spoke impersonally, like it didn't really matter to him. Todd knew better. Todd knew Dirk.

"Yeah, Dirk is like that, too. He's totally crazy, and all over the place, and a whirlwind of energy and emotion, and sometimes he's so vulnerable that it drives you nuts. I mean, he's not exactly like you—I'm sure you know that. You're, like, more gruff and manly and well-adjusted than Dirk. But he's. Well, he's perfect. To me."

Svlad stared at Todd, and Todd felt himself blushing.

He changed the subject before he could say anything more embarrassing. If that was possible.

"So how are we going to find Dirk and Farah, exactly?"

***

The closest door location had been in a very uninteresting residential area.

"These are the coordinates. Blackwing said that this door was found two weeks ago but disappeared a few hours later. They canvassed the area and didn't find anything suspicious."

"What, suspicious like that?" Dirk pointed to the house across the street, where a half-clothed man paced in his driveway with a massive sword, mumbling to himself. Next to him, Farah drew her gun. "Oh, I know that man. Hello! It's me, from the toilets!"

And then, very suspiciously, the man caught Dirk's eye and bolted down the street away from them.

Farah was already closing in on him before it occurred to Dirk that this man (who was certainly the same man who Dirk and Todd had seen in the toilets last week, the same toilets in the same bar where they had just found the other door) should not have recognized Dirk at all, as he was from a _different reality_.

Unless, of course, he knew Dirk's counterpart. Which, frankly, would also be very suspicious given Dirk's counterpart's career.

By the time Dirk caught up to them, Farah had the man restrained on the ground, holding both hands behind his back.

"I didn't do anything!" the man was crying, in much the way an innocent man wouldn't.

"Innocent men don't run," Farah said.

"You were chasing me!"

"We were chasing you because you were running away."

"I panicked! I always panic. God, I'm so stupid. Stupid _stupid_. I don't even know where—Oh. I know you!"

Dirk grinned. "How?"

"You must be project Incubus!" Dirk dropped his grin in an instant. That was not the answer he was expecting. "Is it Dirk or Svlad? I can never keep track."

Dirk swallowed down the panic that always took over when he heard that stupid code name. "You can never keep track of reality, is that it? Tell me, do you have an unusual relationship with _doors_?"

The man nodded, his cheek rubbing against the pavement. "They're my doors; I'm sorry. Please, I need your help."

Dirk smiled. This must be a case-solving record. Not that the case was exactly solved, but he was confident it would be as soon as he got one or two questions answered from this gentleman.

"Farah, I don't suppose you could release our new friend?"

Suddenly, the quiet street was a flurry of black vans and bullet-vested agents. Their prisoner-stroke-new-client started to flail under Farah. "No! No, no! They can't take me back. Let me go!"

"Aren't these guys on our side this time? I'll just tell them to leave. Corporal Friedkin!"

"Cuff him first," Friedkin ordered one of his soldiers. "Then her, then him." He spoke into his radio, "Captain, we have Mojo and the imposters. Bringing them in now."

***

Todd hugged himself in his corner of the cage, trying not to think too hard about the fact that lions are supposed to be nocturnal.

He tried to stay as still and quiet as he could. The wind blew cold air on his naked back, and he couldn't fight another round of shivers.

Maybe if he got lucky, the cold would kill him before the lion did.

***

Todd never thought he'd see the inside of Blackwing, let alone be a security-clearance-badge-wearing guy at the table. Svlad seemed to have a lot of pull here, and Todd was trying pretty hard not to find that a little bit sexy.

On their way over, Svlad had explained about the Mojo case, that several doors leading to random locations (and, occasionally, times) had been popping up all over Seattle. Like the one in Todd's apartment.

(Todd had snorted at the name. "As in Mr. Mojo Risin'? The Doors?" "It seemed appropriate." They shared a smile before they both looked away, awkwardly.)

Then, earlier today, Svlad heard rumors that he was spotted with Agent Black asking questions around town about a 'Todd Brotzman.' Knowing that he actually hadn't been asking questions with anyone, anywhere, about Todd Brotzman, Svlad deduced that one of the doors had led to another reality, from which a different version of himself had come through.

He'd easily tracked down the newest door, which was where he found Todd.

Svlad's original plan had been to reunite Todd, Dirk, and Farah and send them back to their reality before returning to the Mojo case; but, while on their way, Svlad received word from Blackwing that his "imposter" had just been taken in to custody.

"Dirk is in Blackwing? I thought you said they weren't evil here!"

Svlad had shrugged. "Not evil, just understandably cautious. Your friends were masquerading as CIA agents, you know. They even took weapons."

"Well, can you do something? You're... one of them. Explain it was just a misunderstanding."

"I'll see what I can do," Svlad said. "But even if Blackwing agrees that they aren't a threat, there's the other, very real, possibility that they'll find them _interesting_. Or worse, _useful_."

"In which case they'll...?"

"Experiment on them for a decade before making them secret operatives and/or weapons for the military."

"Oh, yeah. Definitely not evil." Todd ignored the look on Svlad's face before adding, a little too harshly, "You and Dirk are really nothing alike, are you?"

It was unfair; Svlad did genuinely seem to want to help. Even as Svlad got Todd security clearance into Blackwing and promised to do his best, Todd held onto his vague resentment. Before they went in to wait for the "prisoners," Svlad had pulled Todd aside.

"Look, I'm not entirely sure why you're mad at me, but if we're to have any chance at retrieving your friends I need you not to do anything stupid. That means stay quiet, stay close, and trust me."

Todd watched Svlad's face, which was so much more serious and inscrutable than it was supposed to be. But there, for a moment, Svlad let a hint of earnestness through, pleading in his eyes, and it was so _Dirk_ that Todd almost lost his breath.

"Okay."

Svlad smiled with relief, like he'd never had anyone trust him before, and then let his mask fall back in place.

"Oh, _great_ ," Todd's ears perked up at the sound of Dirk's voice as they entered the room. "So evil me gets an evil Todd? And what do I get? Kidnapped. _Again_!"

It took everything he had not to react to the sight of Dirk, handcuffed and despondent, staring at Todd like he'd just murdered his favorite puppy.

Svlad put a hand on Todd's arm and shook his head to stay quiet, but Todd couldn't help but smile at _his_ Dirk, with his outrageous jacket and tie, his petulantly sulking shoulders, and his gorgeous face lighting up when he realized Todd was _Todd_.

"How did you—"

Dirk must have gotten the same warning look from Svlad, because he suddenly cut himself short. He, Farah, and a third prisoner were sitting side-by-side on a long bench with Friedkin and two other agents standing beside them with unsettling guns strapped to their shoulders.

Svlad approached them and crouched down until he was nose-to-nose with Dirk. For all their physical similarities, Dirk and Svlad couldn't have looked more different. It was surreal seeing them together in the same room.

Todd remembered the last time he saw two Dirks: the Patrick Spring case. At the time, he hadn't thought to compare the two, being far more preoccupied with murder, time loops, and the crushing feeling of _betrayal_. Anyway, they'd only been different by one week, and aside from fewer cuts, a more subdued wardrobe, and varying levels of confusedness, past Dirk and present Dirk were basically the same.

Compared to those two, these two Dirks might as well had been totally different species from one another. Todd couldn't help but stare. Was Svlad _tan_? Dirk almost looked like a ghost next to him.

He met Dirk's eyes again, and realized that he had been watching him with a strange expression on his face.

"We can question them seperately," Svlad said to Friedkin. "Put them," pointing to Dirk and Farah, "in seperate holding cells, and get Mojo set up in an interview room."

Todd expected Dirk to say something, but he took everything in unusually quietly. Todd wanted to talk to him, stand by his side. But Svlad had been right. If things went south, Todd had more of a chance of helping Dirk and Farah if he stayed put.

He tried to express this with his face as much as he could without giving too much away to the rest of the room, but it didn't matter. Dirk wasn't looking at him anymore. Instead, he was staring at Svlad, whose air of nonchalance gave nothing away.

At least he made eye contact with Farah, who seemed to be on the same page. She gave him a miniscule nod, as if to say _see you later_ , and Todd nodded back.

The third prisoner was staring at Todd with a particularly unsettling expression, and Todd felt infinitely better when they escorted him from the room.

***

Though it felt closer to eternity, Dirk had only been back in his old cell for a few minutes before being taken to a room he recognized from years ago. This was the first room in Blackwing he had ever seen, and this was the chair he'd been in when Riggins had made him all sorts of promises he could never keep.

Except now it wasn't Riggins who was sitting across from him, but himself. His Blackwing-y, secret agent self, who was irritatingly confident and muscley and had touched Todd's arm like he was _allowed_ to.

"So, I take it you've solved your case?"

"Of course," Dirk said. "Well, nearly. Not... quite."

Svlad smirked. "Well, I have."

That smug _arsehole_. "Only after Farah and I did all the actual work. And beside, your case and my case are completely different cases."

"You should know better than that," Svlad said.

"Yes, I mean, obviously they are connected. And very likely the same case. But you were only looking for who or what created the reality-hopping portals—who, by the way, _we_  found."

"And your case was to find Todd Brotzman. Who, by the way, I found."

Dirk looked to the mirror behind Svlad. Was Todd back there? Or were Blackwing agents? Regardless, Dirk didn't want Svlad saying anything too... revealing. About anything.

Svlad followed his gaze. "Nobody's listening. I turned the microphones off."

"They let you just do that?"

"Friedkin is... impressionable. I just told him that our close proximity was interfering with the equipment. I am kind of their only psychic on staff."

"I am not—"

"Yes you are. You're just too afraid of yourself to do anything about it. I'm not. And by the way, you might have tried looking for your Todd in his _apartment_. It wasn't exactly my most difficult case."  
  
Oh, Dirk hated this guy. He very much hoped that Todd hadn't bonded with him too much, because Dirk was fairly certain he was going to have to kill him.

And, oh God. What if Todd had bonded with Svlad? What if he'd spent all day with this super agent, bad-ass, confident version of himself and liked him better? Images of Svlad's hand on Todd's arm again came unbidden to Dirk.

He glared at Svlad. "Well you're wrong anyway. My case wasn't to find Todd, it was to save Todd. I had the distinct impression that Todd was in, or was about to be in, vital danger. And seeing as you just brought him into the belly of my living _nightmare_ , I'd say that the case is very much still on."

Svlad frowned with his eyebrows, and Dirk was pleased to notice that he had far more worry lines than Dirk did. That was good; Todd could never fall for a worrier. They'd both drive each other crazy by worrying too much.

"Todd's in danger?" Svlad asked, sounding a little too concerned, if you asked Dirk.

"Ah, not so psychic now, are you? Granted, my Todd-instincts are finely tuned. We are best friends, after all."

"Yes, he did mention that."

"Did he?" Dirk puffed up in his chair. "Good. Yes, well he would. And as his best friend, it is my sworn duty to protect him, so, if you'll be so kind." He wiggled his handcuffed wrists in the air.

"What exactly is Todd in danger from? Are your abilities really so unrefined that you can't identify the source of the threat?"

Dirk wanted to hit this man. It was an unfamiliar experience, this impulse toward violence. He wondered if this is how Farah feels all the time.

"Well," he responded, "I strongly suspect it has to do with the alternate-reality-door-making crazy man who had been stalking him for the past two weeks. But please, if your special powers have a more refined answer, do share."

"Subject Mojo? I was just with him; he's unhinged, certainly, but I'm not sure why he'd..." Svlad paused and Dirk recognized his expression as one he'd made hundreds of times. He'd solved it. But then it suddenly shifted to panic and he jumped out of his chair.

"I have to go."

His urgency did something terribly and twist-y to Dirk's gut. "What is it? Is it Todd? Take me with you!"

Svlad was already headed out the door but he stopped. Dirk was not above begging, if it was for Todd.

"Please. I have valuable insight into this case. Half of it does take place in my reality, after all. Let me help Todd, and then you can do your whole... kidnap-y, experiment-y thing. I won't even try to escape."

Svlad waved a Blackwing agent in from the corridor. "You're over-bargaining, you moron. Uncuff him, we're going to need him. And Ms. Black. Bring them to the west entrance. I'm getting Todd. And bring me Subject Mojo, but keep his arms restrained."

***

A quarter of an hour earlier, Svlad had sat in this same room opposite Subject Mojo.

To call this an interview would be generous. Subject Mojo hadn't stopped talking since Svlad entered the room. The only problem was, the man was clearly several cards short of a deck, and his prattling hardly made any sense. Svlad looked at the file.

Name: Emery Wisconsin, AKA Subject Mojo  
Suspected abilities: cross-dimensional and time travel by means of sponteanously-actualized doors.  
Sanity: Unkown.  
Personal effects: One (1) pair boxer-briefs; One (1) sword, 15th century, new.  
Recommendations: Abilities require free use of arms. Keep subject's arms behind him at all times, until convinced of allegiance.

"...just so hard to keep track of them all, with the frogs, and the stars, and the soups. Then the men in the suits talk about Greek legends, and I didn't even mean to. I just panic and I do things without thinking. Then I saw him, and you. I could never control where they _go_. That's the _problem_."

"The doors?"

"The doors! I just wanted to control them for once. And the sex was so good, and for once it was going to work, but I must have gotten the cats wrong. And I definitely don't know what _detectives_ look like. And if the cats are wrong then I'm never getting out of here, am I?"

"Here as in this reality or...?"

"Or Blackwing. Both."

Svlad frowned. "Have you been here before?"

"From '98 to '06. They didn't... tell you about me? They always talked to me about... nevermind."

That was nearly a decade. Had they been neighbors, locked away together? 

"What happened in 2006, then? How did you get out?"

Subject Mojo—Emery—shook his head and folded in on himself. "Doesn't matter. Won't get another chance. Won't ever... stupid, _stupid_." He looked up at Svlad, with a desperate look of resignation wearing deeply into ever line of his face. "I'll go back to my room now. I don't feel like talking anymore today."

Svlad let the agents take him back to his holding cell—his room.

As he sat there alone in the interrogation room, he forced himself to take an impartial step back. This was a case, a mission. And he had all the pieces now. Everything from the past was... past.

He didn't get where he was now by dwelling on the past.

"Leiutenant Assistent," he called. "Bring in the other me."

***

The six of them were in a Blackwing van, hurtling back to where Farah and Dirk had originally found Emery, the third prisoner, who was still staring at Todd. Actually, it seemed like everyone in the van was staring at Todd, except for Farah, who might have been if she hadn't been driving.

"So, can someone explain to me what's going on?" Todd looked expectantly to Dirk in the front seat, who, despite staring at Todd virtually non-stop from the rear-view mirror, was being uncharacteristically quiet.

He hoped Svlad didn't tell Dirk about what Todd had said in the car. He hadn't flat out admitted that he was in love with Dirk, but he didn't come too far. If Svlad told Dirk... God, did Dirk hate Todd now? It hadn't been that bad, had it?

Maybe he could convince Dirk that guys always said that kind of gushy stuff about each other. It didn't have to mean anything.

Svlad cleared his throat next to Todd.

"Emery Wisconsin was a subject at Blackwing since 1998, until his ability to travel across realities and time helped him escape in 2006. You've seen his abilities at work."

"The door in my apartment."

"Exactly. Subject Mojo, as he was known, has always struggled with his ability to control _where_ his doors led, something Blackwing had stringently attempted to correct. But he had developed his own ideas for how to fix his abilities."

From the back seat, arms still confined, Emery picked up the thread that Svlad left dangling. "I heard them talking about Project Icarus, a psychic whose powers always led him to exactly where he needed to be. When I was trapped there, I would fantasize that he and I would break out together and travel worlds. That he would be my partner.

"But when I heard he was no longer a subject, that he had become an agent for _them_ , I lost hope. I lost my mind. I broke my wrist to get free from my restraints and I created a door to escape. That's how I found your reality."

Dirk, in the front seat took over: "Eventually, he heard about our reality's Project Icarus, who had escaped from Blackwing instead of joining it. After doing some _very_ amateur detective work, found that Icarus was living and holistically detecting under the name Dirk Gently. He followed him, rather, us, for two weeks, but it turned out he got us confused with each other."

"I had never seen Icarus in person," Emery said, sheepishly, "and it seemed like you were the one in charge, so I naturally assumed."

"Yes, very amateur detective work. As we established," Dirk said, petulantly. "Then, as he had been jumping between realities to make his stalking easier, he lost track of which reality he was in. Finally he caught up with who he thought to be Dirk Gently alone in a bar, but it actually was you, Todd. Well, other you."

"I bought you drinks, and you were so charming and sweet. I hadn't planned to, but then you kissed me and—"

"Wait," Todd blurted. "We—I mean, other me, and you. We..."

Emery smiled and Todd sunk into his chair. He looked into the rear-view mirror. Dirk was looking anywhere but at Todd. His ears were pink.

Oh God.

"When I found out you weren't Project Icarus, I panicked. The next thing I knew, I'd left you who-knows-where and was back in Blackwing, in my underwear, with two project Icaruses. And now we're here."

"You see, Todd? I had thought you were in danger, but it wasn't you at all. Or it was you, but it was other you. Todd Mach II."

"Wait, you thought I was in danger? When—is _that_ why you've been all over me lately?"

Svlad frowned, and looked at Todd. "You didn't know?"

"He didn't tell me. Damnit, Dirk. Didn't you think I might _want to know_ if I was in danger?"

"Well, I didn't _know_ anything. It was just a hunch, really, though Farah thought—"

Farah cleared her throat.

"Well, Farah thought I might have been wrong, so I didn't want to worry you. And I _was_ wrong! You weren't in danger; other Todd was."

Todd glared at Dirk. "I think I'm back to hating you now."

"Me too," Svlad said. Surprised, Todd gave him a grateful smile.

Ahead of them, Dirk sank in his seat, thoroughly chastised. _Good._ Maybe this time he'll learn to stop keeping important information from Todd. (Todd knew this was unequivocally untrue, and that they'd be having this argument at least once a year for the rest of their lives.)

Then, Todd realized. If Dirk had been _protecting_ Todd this whole time, then it meant his weird behavior had nothing to do with Todd's feelings. He'd just been doing his poorly-thought-out Dirk thing to keep Todd safe. Because he cared. It was... sweet, actually.

Todd realized he was still smiling.

***

During the night, Todd had discovered that if he looped his arms just so, he could shimmy up the cage bars and sort of perch near the top. This really wasn't a particularly humane cage and even at the highest he could go, he was pretty sure a lion might be able to reach him if it tried.

It looked like he was about to find out.

She was clearly awake and had been for a few minutes, warily eyeing Todd. He hoped that expression was more along the lines of 'grudgingly accepting' than 'annoyed' or 'hungry.'

All of Todd's random survival facts were melting into each other and he couldn't remember whether he was supposed to make himself as big as possible, avoid eye contact, make eye contact, or what. He was pretty sure he wasn't supposed to act scared and that he wasn't supposed to turn his back on the lion.

So, Todd, stayed as still as he could, and tried to keep his breathing as natural as possible. _Show no fear._ He chose not to make eye contact, instead staring at the space right above her head.

He could do this. He could stay here until the morning brought zookeepers or whatever; people who would get him out of here. All he had to do was stay here, not look like prey, and not make any sudden movements or sounds.

Three loud knocks came from the door. Todd fell to the floor. The lion stood up.

"Oh, _fuck_."

***

"Nobody's responding," Dirk said, ear against the door.

"Why do we even need to knock?"

"Emery said he didn't know what's on the other side of the door. It could be a toilet? Or a doctor's examination room."

Svlad scoffed. "You think you had a premonition that Todd Brotzman would be in danger of getting a physical? Ms. Black, with me. The rest of you, stay a safe distance behind."

He moved the wooden chair that was blocking the handle and turned it, cracking the door slightly. Dirk puffed his chest out and stood next to Farah and Svlad. "I can hold my own, thank you _very_ much."

And then, several things happened at once. A voice sounding very much like Todd's just started to shout, "Don't!" as the door flew open with the force of Todd being tackled by a very angry lioness.

Dirk was rather preoccupied with the sight of _blood_ across Todd's face (not _his_ Todd, but a Todd in need is a Todd indeed) and the fact that Todd was _very_ nearly nude, that he didn't notice the lion shifting her focus to the nearest body in the room. Which, in this case, was his.

"Dirk, get back!" Todd tackled Dirk out of the way, landing them both on the floor in a position that was, though well-intentioned, not exactly _safer_ than when Dirk was on his own two feet.

From around Todd's head, Dirk watched as Svlad picked up the wooden chair that had been thrown to the side in the flurry. He pointed it leg-side out at the lioness and made several jabby motions. "Back!"

She growled at Svlad and continued to advance. Dirk's bunched his fists into the back of Todd's jacket. "I'm not sure she's very frightened of chairs, Svlad!"

Then, a loud crack of gunfire and part of the floor next to the lion exploded. Todd, whose face was buried in Dirk's shoulder (which, in any other scenario, Dirk would find quite pleasing) asked, rather manically, "Does the lion have a gun?!"

Dirk looked up. "Farah seems to have found a shotgun. Well done Farah!"

The lion growled once more, but began to retreat slowly. With one more warning shot, Farah backed her through the door.

Emery had been plastered against the farthest wall during this ordeal. Once the lion was gone, he darted forward. "Untie me! I can get rid of it."

Svlad released the restraints and Emery reached out to grasp the handle. In the work of a moment, the door had completely disappeared as if Emery's palm had hoovered it up.

"How cool," Dirk grinned.

Svlad tossed the chair aside and moved to help other-Todd who was still bleeding quite profusely on the floor.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Emery repeated like a mantra. "I didn't mean to hurt him. I never wanted to hurt anyone. I'm so sorry."

Svlad and Farah inspected other-Todd's wound, a deep gash running from his cheek down to his collar bone.

"It's okay, you're going to be fine," Farah said.

Svlad lifted his head and pulled a small first-aid kit from his goverment utility jacket. He and Farah started tearing packets open and cleaning the wound.

Other-Todd watched them, and Dirk was pleased to note that he got the same furrowy eyebrows as his Todd did whenever he was a few steps behind. Speaking of his Todd, Dirk couldn't help but notice that they were still effectively embracing in a tense bundle on the floor. Not that he minded. And he certainly wasn't cataloguing other-Todd's very naked torso while comparing what he could with his hands on his Todd's back.

Todd also seemed to notice their position after a moment or two had passed. He cleared his throat. "We should, uh, see if we can help."

"We're good," Farah said, not even looking up. "Although, whenever you are done hugging it out, if one of you can check Emery's medicine cabinet for anything with 'antiseptic' written on it?"

"Got it," Todd wriggled off of Dirk, who might have made things more difficult with his flailing limbs. Eventually he got off and set out for first aid.

Farah smirked at Dirk, who scowled back, before turning her attention back to other-Todd on the floor.

"Is that...," other-Todd blinked up, sounding shaky and weak in ways that made Dirk want to cry.

"Hey, take it easy. We got you."

"... _Svlad Cjelli_?"

All eyes turned to Svlad, who gaped back.

***

When Todd came back into the room, carrying a whole tub of ointments and creams that he'd found under Emery's sink, (minus one he'd rather not have to explain to Dirk), everyone was staring at Svlad.

"What'd I miss?"

"You two _know_ each other?" Dirk asked.

"I don't... think so?"

"We met. Once. You came to my hotel once for some sort of hostage exchange thing. There was a kitten? You were kind of a badass."

Todd grimaced. Was this how he acted in front of Dirk? Like some puppy with a crush?

"You owned that hotel?" Svlad asked.

"I was the—"

"—the bellboy," Svlad said, with sudden recollection. "I _do_ remember you. You wore a very ridiculous hat."

Other-Todd smiled up at him and Todd just wished the world would swallow him alive. At least Dirk didn't seem to think anything of other-Todd's moon eyes.

"Hold still, this will sting." Dabbing Todd's cheek with ointment, Svlad explained to the rest of them, "There was a kidnapping. The daughter of a millionaire whose soul had been switched with a dog's. The evening before the exchange, I had retrieved the dog, and, with Todd's help, I was able to lie in wait, ambush the kidnappers, replace the girl in her body, and return her to her father."

"Um." Farah looked at Dirk. "Could you have done that?"

"No! Everything that we did was always going to happen; this reality must not have had a time loop."

"What, Patrick Spring's time machine?" Svlad laughed incredulously. "You really have no idea what you're doing, do you? You're just, like, running around like a blind child with scissors, with no idea how anything works and just hoping it works out. Is that right?"

Dirk opened and closed his mouth a few times. "I. That's not. I mean."

Todd had rarely seen Dirk at such a loss for words. He put a reassuring hand on his shoulder and ignored the way everything in the room felt _brighter_ when he felt Dirk lean against him. "So how did you avoid the time loop?"

"What kind of psychic would I be if I let something so presumptuous as fate keep me from doing anything? Just because you know you're in a game doesn't mean you can't pick your moves. My power— _your_  power—isn't just being some 'leaf in the stream of creation.' It's to see the stream for what it is and navigate it. Until you learn how to do that, even if you do solve your 'cases', it could only ever be with... arguable efficiency at best."

Dirk scowled. "I think arguable efficiency can be very admirable."

"Yeah? What does everyone else think? The people you hurt along the way? Do they agree?"

His words hit Dirk like a physical blow, and Todd's supportive hand was now essentially holding him up. Meanwhile, where he knelt, Svlad continued to tend to other-Todd as if they were discussing nothing more interesting than the weather outside. Todd wondered if he even realized that he was stroking other-Todd's hair as he delicately finished bandaging the wound. Dirk certainly noticed; Todd saw him following Svlad's hand movements with a quickly souring expression.

"Yes, well. I didn't see your more _refined_ methods keeping Todd from losing half of his face to a bloody lion, did I?"

"Dirk."

Svlad glowered. "Maybe I would have, if I hadn't been tracking down some graceless buffoon prancing about my reality wearing my face and that _ridiculous_ jacket. If escaping from Blackwing meant I'd have turned into the screw-up you are, I'm glad I stayed. You _embarrass_ me."

"Svlad!" Todd's chest constricted at how pink Dirk's eyes were becoming. "Hey, Dirk, come on, it's—"  
  
"Well, at least I'm not some... robot monkey _puppet_. Maybe you have more control of your abilities, but at least I have friends. People who believe in me and... and _love_ me. Who loves you, Svlad? Blackwing?"  
  
"Yaaagh!" From the edge of the room, Emery let out a piercing cry. "Stop, stop, _stop_!" And with that, the floor underneath them was transformed into an all-too-familiar door. It opened, and they all fell down.

***

"Where... are we?"

"Ow."

"I'm really starting to hate that guy."

"Todd! Are you okay? How's your face?"

"Todd, are you okay?"

"I'm good, Dirk."

"I'm fine, Svlad, thanks. Just kinda done with today."

They were in a dark, cellar-like place. It was cold and cement-y and smelled like— oh _great_. Blackwing again. Dirk would recognize the smell anywhere. The lights were off, but it looked like they were in one of the larger experimentation rooms.

"At least we're still in the same reality," Svlad said.

"How do you know?" Dirk asked.

"I have an innate connection with the fabric of the universe. Don't you?"

Ah, it appears they weren't quite done with this argument. Dirk opened his mouth to make quite the scathing reply when Todd—his Todd—cut him off. "Can we save it for after we get out of here? Even if you are some big Blackwing boss, Dirk and Farah are still technically prisoners, and I'm probably not far behind once they find out there are two of me, too."

"Remind me again why we uncuffed that nutjob?" Farah asked.

"So he could close the close the rift in time/space that was leading to the angry lion," Svlad replied. "It seemed the pertinent course of action at the time."

Todd jiggled the door handle (the room's door, not the giant magical door in the ceiling). It was locked. Because obviously it was. "Yes, well, any pertinent courses of action here?"

"Yeah," Svlad said. "Get through that door, convince Subject Mojo to destroy the remaining portals, and get all of you back into your respective homes and out of my hair. That last part is my favorite."

"What," Dirk asked, "all of us?" He looked significantly at other-Todd, who only just seemed to notice that there were people in the room aside from Svlad.

"I'm not like you," Svlad said, dismissively. "I don't need... distractions."

Other-Todd gave Farah an appraising look, and Dirk frowned at him. Typical Todd, no matter which universe. Then, he noticed Todd-Todd.

"Is that... me?"

"You from a different reality," Dirk said, waving hello. "I'm Dirk Gently, holistic detective. I'm the nicer, more approachable version of that pretentious asshole. I came here to rescue you!"

"Oh. Uh, thanks?"

Dirk beamed at him, savoring the look Svlad was shooting from over Todd's shoulder.

Ignoring their little drama, Farah had found some bits of machinery on a table and started tossing them at the ceiling. "Hey! Emery! We know you're up there!"

"Oh, very good idea, Farah!"

They waited a few moments for a response before Todd took one of the... thingies from Farah's hand and threw it much harder. It crashed against the door and broke apart.

"I'm not up here!" Emery's voice called down.

"Why did you send us here?" Dirk asked. "I thought you wanted our help!"

The door cracked open and Emery peeked down. It was too high for any of them to reach, but maybe if Todd sat on Farah's shoulders, and then Farah sat on Svlad's...

"You were all getting so angry and loud and mean. I don't... I don't respond well to that. I'm sorry."

"Hey, man," Todd-Prime, "it's totally okay. Just send us a rope or something and let us back up there."

"I... no." Emery shook his head. "No, you're still angry at me. I can tell." Emery looked at the injured Todd and winced. "I'm sorry again about all that. Here," he tossed down some clothes.

Todd picked them up gratefully and put them on. They fit him very nicely.

Oh right. Yes. They were Todd's clothes. Which Emery had because they had... right.

Was Emery even attractive? Was Todd—his Todd—interested in him? Emery and Dirk didn't look very similar at all. Certainly they were both men. And they were both white. And they had similar body types and coloring.

Actually, now that he thought about it, Emery wasn't very different looking from Dirk after all. Maybe if another version of Todd was willing to bed some random psychopath who looked a bit like him, real Todd might be interested in at least _cuddling_ with a non-random, non-psychopath who _was_ him.

Oblivious to his train of thought, Todd-Prime called up. "You know if you leave us here, they're going to keep us here forever, right?"

Emery shrugged and closed the door again.

"That bastard lunatic," Svlad said.

Todd, Dirk's Todd, turned to him, scathing. "What do you even care? You have the least to lose in this situation. When they find us here, they'll just let you right out. While we're being isolated and experimented on, you can just go back to your regular life. Just like you wanted, alone and a dick."

Svlad blinked. "Are you... _mad_ at me? All I've been doing is trying to get you and your friends back safely to your universe."

"Yeah, well, we wouldn't even be in this mess if you hadn't been such an asshole to Dirk. We were _done_. We solved the case, we got out of Blackwing, we saved Todd from the lion. All we had to do was leave, but you had to say all that shit and start that stupid fight. Just so, what? You could justify your life decisions?"

Dirk watched Todd with a vague reverance. He _loved_ when Todd stood up for him. Well, he loved when Todd did anything, but right now it was especially difficult for him not to rush over and take Todd in his arms and keep him there forever.

"Sure, maybe Dirk can afford to understand his powers a little better; but he's a _good_ detective. And he's got us for when things go wrong. Maybe, individually we aren't perfect, but we're a great team, and if it weren't for Dirk we wouldn't be. He makes us all better. He makes... me better."

Oh, his _perfect_ Todd. That was utter nonsense, of course, as Todd couldn't possibly be any better than perfect. But still, Dirk couldn't resist putting a grateful hand on his arm. It wasn't quite the passionate embrace he longed for, but it would suffice for the circumstances.

"Dirk," Todd said with an air of finality. "I'm going to stand on your shoulders now. Farah, I'm going to lift you up, and you're going to open that door."

Dirk hardly had a moment to process before Todd was pushing him down to his knees and straddling his shoulders. It was all he could do to grasp on to Todd's legs and pray that Todd stopped squirming, or they'd both fall over.

"Are you guys, like, _boyfriends_?" Other-Todd's question nearly knocked Todd over, just after he had finally found balance on Dirk's back.

"Yes." "No." The answered simultaneously. Todd stared down at Dirk.

"Wait. 'Yes?'"

"Well," Dirk stammered. "In that you're a boy. And I'm a boy. And we're. Friends." He swallowed his tongue. Well, in for a penny, in for a pound. Todd basically did just say he loved Dirk, after all.

"And that I... think about you. Constantly. And, after the mess that has been today, I'm not sure I ever want to let you our of my sight again. Because even though it wasn't _you_ in danger, the idea of you, any version of you, not by my side fills me with absolute dread."

"Right," Todd blinked. "Right." He turned to other-Todd. "Yeah. We're... boyfriends." He glanced at Dirk, and Dirk felt his heart blossom. Suddenly, he didn't quite care if they did stay in Blackwing forever, because now this was the place where Todd Brotzman said he was Dirk's _boyfriend_.

Farah cleared her throat. "I feel like you guys are about to kiss or something, and I'd like to suggest tabling that for after we break out."

Kiss? That's right! Because if Todd was Dirk's boyfriend he could do that. He could kiss Todd. He was certain Farah had said something about not kissing Todd, but that didn't make any sense at all.

Todd seemed to be of the same mind, because their heads were drawing closer together like magnets. With Todd sitting on his shoulders, the angle was terribly awkward, so Dirk pushed at Todd's legs until he was sliding back down Dirk's body in a most astounding way. And then Todd was standing in front of him, still half-held up in Dirk's arms, and Dirk was thinking, _oh yes finally_. Somewhere else in the room, Farah said, "Screw this. Other Todd, other Dirk, let's do this," but that didn't matter at all because then Dirk's lips met Todd's lips and it was _amazing_.

Kissing Todd was like... solving one hundred cases at once. It was as freeing as when he'd escaped Blackwing for the first time. Todd kissed Dirk like he was a delicate piece of art; he was gentle and reverant and so extraordinary that Dirk thought he might die.

He tried his hardest to keep his hands from roaming before realizing that there was no reason to keep his hands from roaming. Feeling Todd against him was completely addictive, and it was suddenly _imperative_ that Dirk touch every part of him at once.

It was _everything_. It was perfect and amazing and the first brilliant thing that had ever happened to Dirk in his entire life, until Todd abruptly pulled away and left Dirk feeling like he was going to suffocate.

"Did I— was I too much?"

Todd just stared at Dirk, and for a second, Dirk was certain that the world was ending. But then, Todd shook his head and spoke, sounding every bit as breathless as Dirk felt.

"Farah's right. We need to get out of here first. I want to... I want to a lot of things, actually, and I can't do them here."

Things! Todd wanted to do things with Dirk! Dirk took a step into the space Todd had created between them. "Oh, yes you can. You absolutely can."

"You absolutely can _not_ ," Farah said, reminding Dirk with a jolt how alone they weren't.

Stacked on top of one another, Svlad and other-Todd were looking catastrophically uncomfortable, but Farah just looked annoyed.

"Look, I'm thrilled you guys have finally worked out your bullshit, but the little red light on that camera over there means we don't have all day until somebody comes to get us. So, Svlad, if you'll just _stand still_..." She reached the knob on the ceiling. "Okay, Todd, try to push me up."

The door swung open, flinging Farah up with it. Emery had pulled it open from the other side. "Are you guys done yelling?"

Svlad glared up at him. "I am going to kill that sniveling..."

Emery moved to close the door again but Farah stopped him with a well-placed boot. Propping the door with her leg, she restrained Emery easily against the wall. "Dirk, climb up here and help the others."

***

Convincing Emery to close all of the portals around Seattle was surprisingly easy once Todd started talking to him the same comforting, careful way he used to talk to Amanda after her attacks. He tried to ignore the fact that Emery had slept with another version of himself, but the man kept smiling at Todd knowingly and Todd could feel the back of his neck getting red.

But then, Dirk would reach out and touch Todd. Just little brushes of his fingers against Todd's knuckles. Todd wasn't even sure that Dirk realized he was doing it, and for some reason that made his heart flutter in the best way.

All in all, zig-zagging across this reality's Seattle was almost kind of fun now that most of the threats were behind them.

Of course, Svlad was still going to be held accountable for them all going missing on his watch, but he insisted he's handled far worse.

Todd was beginning to get the impression that subjects 'disappeared' from Blackwing under Svlad's watch more often than not.

As they wrapped things up, Todd noticed that Svlad was resolutely not meeting Todd's eyes. He did feel bad for what he'd said to Svlad when they were in Blackwing; he'd been over-emotional, tired, and too upset on Dirk's behalf. Sure, Svlad had been a jerk, but so had Dirk. And between the two of them, Svlad was the one who had nobody in his corner, and Todd knew that.

He thought about what Svlad had said to him in the car earlier that day. " _The nature of my lifestyle doesn't accommodate friendship._" He acted like his lone-wolf routine was a choice, an advantage, but no matter what name this version was going by, Todd _knew_ him. He saw the toll that loneliness was taking on Svlad.

When they made it to the second-to-last door, Todd made a point to pull Svlad aside.

"Look, Svlad, I just want to say... I'm sorry. For all those things I said to you back there."

Svlad looked uncomfortable. He still wouldn't look Todd in the eye. "It's fine," he said.

"No, it's not. You really did do a lot to help us all out today, and it wasn't your fault Emery freaked out. I shouldn't have taken it out on you, and I shouldn't have called you a dick. You're... not a dick."

Svlad nodded curtly. "Thanks. We should..." he made as if to leave, but Todd grabbed his arm.

Ahead of them, Todd saw Dirk glance at them with narrowed eyes. Todd couldn't help but smile at his jealousy, getting a thrill over the unspoken possession that hung in the air between them.

"Look, if you want to yell at me, you can. I deserve it. I was an asshole."

"I don't want to yell at you," Svlad said. "I understand why you said what you said, and I'm not mad at you."

"Then what's with all the..."

Dirk walked up and joined them, placing an un-subtle hand on the small of Todd's back. Svlad looked away quickly, leaving to join Farah and other-Todd.

 _Oh_.

"Dirk. Does Svlad... _like_ me?"

"Obviously," Dirk said, absent-mindedly. "I think we'll be hard-pressed to find a reality in which I am not endlessly enamored by Todd Brotzman."

"Endlessly enamored, huh?" Todd smiled at Dirk, tilting his head up. From the corner of his eye, he saw Svlad watching them, and other-Todd watching Svlad. "I wonder if we should tell him that we'd be equally hard-pressed to find a Todd Brotzman who isn't _endlessly enamored_ by Dirk Gently. Or Svlad Cjelli. Or whatever ridiculous name you choose to go by."

Todd reveled in the way Dirk's eyes lit up.

Even after all this time, Dirk's face would always transform into that mix of surprise-pride-joy whenever Todd so much as referred to them as friends. Todd was going to love seeing what happened when he told Dirk that he loved him. When he told Dirk how gorgeous he was. How amazing, and special, and _brilliant_.

He would have to space it out. Devote days on end to showing Dirk how loved he was, and in how many ways.

"But, you do like me better, right?" Dirk asked.

Todd smiled and dropped a peck on Dirk's lips. He walked away while Dirk was still temporarily stunned, standing there with his eyes closed.

"Todd? Todd! That is _not_ an answer!"

***

"I don't recognize this one."

They were at the final door: the one to Todd's apartment. The sun had long set by the time they finished closing all the others off, and it was the work of a very uncomfortable conversation between them and the young woman currently living in the apartment in this reality (and the help of Svlad's special CIA badge) to get them access to their final destination.

All they needd now was to say their goodbyes, for Dirk to have a few choice words with Svlad, and biff off to the other side of the door and let Emery do his thing. All in all, it was a relatively quick adventure for them, but, Dirk mused, staring at the back of Todd's lovely head, not one without fantastic, and hopefully very long-lasting, consequences.

Yes, a very good day's work. There was only one thing that seemed to be missing, and that was—what did Emery just say?

"Oh, of _course_!"

Five pairs of eyes looked over to Dirk, who realized that things may not be quite so obvious to the rest of them. Although, Svlad at least should really know better.

"Well, it makes sense, doesn't it? This door appeared in Todd's apartment last night, which was when Emery and other-Todd were—"

"Oh, God." "Dirk!" the Todds groaned-slash-yelled in unison. Farah looked amused, Svlad turned a bit green at the gills, and Emery, the cheeky sod, boasted quite the un-gentlemanly smirk.

"Right, well, having his hands full—that is, I mean—being preoccupied, he clearly hadn't made time to make this door. And why would he have? He'd finally got what, or rather who, he thought he wanted."

"So, if Emery didn't make this door, who did? Is there another Emery out there, like there are two of us?"

"No," Emery said. "I'm not sure which reality I originally came from, but wherever I go, there's never been another me."

"No," Dirk agreed. "I suspect one reality-hopper is quite enough. A bit like, every home has a sofa, but there's only one man who drives the sofa delivery truck."

"Sofa... delivery truck?" Farah looked like she was about to critique Dirk's _perfectly adequate_ analogy, so he quickly forged forward.

"Anyway, all of Emery's travels lately had been to try to find me, but this door had a completely different purpose. This door was made so that _we_ would find _him_."  
  
He turned to Emery. "You were right, originally. Well, I mean, you were wrong about a lot of things, including the appropriate responses to stressful situations, who I was, and the amount you're allowed to _touch Todd ever_ , but you were right about me being able to help you control your abilities. Someone once told me that my function in the universe is to get people where they need to be; I think I helped you create this door to get us where we were supposed to be. Other-Todd, didn't you say it was nighttime when you were trapped in the lion cage?"

"Yeah."

"Time travel?" prime-Todd asked. "Again? Really?"

"Yes, Todd. I'm quite tired of the motif myself, but consider what you have before you. A door that has not yet been created, a man who creates doors that can travel across dimensions and time with no ability to control where he goes, and me, the rakishly handsome young man with the exact powers necessary to help him."

"Not you," Svlad said. "Me."

Oh for... not this again.

"I don't mean—" Svlad explained, "Look, you were right. You are a good detective and your methods do work... for you. In a way. But you haven't learned to control them. And I'm... glad. That there is a version of myself that didn't go through what I had to gain that control. So I'll help Subjec— Emery. We'll go back to this morning, create the door that sent you here, and after you leave, I will help teach him. It's what I do."

Dirk bristled. But, aside from Svlad's self-righteous machismo, he didn't actually have anything to argue. Besides, Todd's hand had found its way to rest comfortingly on Dirk's waist, so he allowed himself to relax and nod his assent.

"Well, maybe that is what you do. But I do a thing, too. Other-Todd, a word?"

Dirk pulled him aside and whispered a question. Other-Todd whispered his answer back, and Dirk grinned at him. Then, sneaking a revengeful glance back at his Todd, who was watching warily, placed a quick peck on Todd's un-injured cheek, watching his new boyfriend get _adorably_ flustered in response.

"I think it's time for us to go home," Dirk said to Todd and Farah. "Other-Todd, it has been a pleasure. I wish you all the luck in your future endeavors. Emery, you are a very strange individual, and I think you should see a therapist."

He dragged himself to Svlad and stook out his hand in a gesture of peace. "Svlad. You've given me... something to think about. And I'd like to repay the favor." He nodded to Other-Todd and lowered his voice. "35 Lyman Street, Apartment 12G. He promises not to press charges if you were to break in through his window tonight."

Svlad turned to stare at Todd with his entire body. He was not looking at them, but was instead fascinating himself with a spot on the ceiling. His nervous smile rather gave away the game.

"But— I've never. He's..."

"Perfect? Beautiful? Amazingly loyal?" Dirk helpfully supplied.

"Interested? In me?"

Dirk gave him a pally pat on the chest. "Like I said, I bring people where they need to be. And you need to be with Todd Brotzman. In every possible way, in every possible universe."

Svlad still hadn't stopped staring at Todd. "I can't."

"You... can?"

Svlad shook his head. "I'll mess it up," he said. "Or worse. I'll hurt him."

Dirk blanched. He'd been so happy that Todd wanted him that he hadn't even thought about what lay in their future.

 _Would_ he mess it up? It seemed very possible, if not probably.

Hurting Todd was less of a matter of 'would' than 'when' and 'how badly.' He thought about Todd: facing execution in Wendimoor, being electrocuted by Rimmer's goons, shaking from his pararibulitis attack under his desk just last week. He looked at other-Todd's face, blood showing through the bandage on his neck.

Inevitability crept up Dirk's spine and lodged itself in his throat.

"Shall we, Dirk?" Todd asked, standing at the door, ignorant to Svlad and Dirk's discussion.

He nodded mutely and joined his friends. As if sensing something was off, Todd grabbed Dirk's hand and laced their fingers. Dirk forced a smile and Todd laughed, and they both ignored Farah's eye roll before stepping through the door.

***

The door disappeared only a few moments after Todd, Dirk, and Farah closed it behind them.

"Right. Well," Farah was saying. "I guess I'll leave you two to... yeah."

"Farah, wait." Todd followed her out of the apartment. "Are you okay with all this?" He gestured behind him, where Dirk was standing, looking a little lost.

"It's certainly against most protocols to have romantic entanglements between two members of the team, especially considering—"

Todd cut her off, "That's not what I meant. I just... you and I, we kinda had a thing once, before, and I don't want you to be uncomfortable about, you know."

"Oh, Todd, that was a while ago. When you stopped showing any interest after Wendimoor, it wasn't hard to figure out that your interests lay... elsewhere. I actually kind of thought that you guys were already a thing for a while."

"You did?"

"More importantly, are _you_ okay with this? Dirk can be... pretty intense."

"Yeah," Todd smirked. "I've always kinda gone for intense."

Farah smiled back at him. She looked over Todd's shoulder. "You should probably go talk to him. Find out what crawled up his ass." She winced at her choice of words. Todd winced too.

"Anyway, tomorrow we can set you up with the appropriate HR paperwork to get this relationship as sanctioned as procedurally appropriate, and we'll have to revisit the team modules to ensure minimum conflict of interest and—"

"Farah. We're a team of three. I'm not sure how much re-structuring we can do here."

Farah nodded, thoughtfully. "I'll do some research and we can debrief tomorrow."

"Thanks. And, you know. Thanks."

He hugged her, smiling at how she always seemed caught so off guard when anyone showed her any physical affection. She finally relaxed and hugged him back, smiling in encouragement before she left.

When Todd turned back into his apartment, Dirk was halfway through the window.

"Dirk, what the hell!"

"Ah. Hello, Todd. I was just..."

"Were you trying to sneak out?"

"I... thought this was the toilet?"

This was horrible. Was Dirk regretting what happened? Was Todd really so repulsive that... But, no. All those things Dirk had said back at Blackwing, that _kiss_.

He reached out to help Dirk back in. "Talk to me, Dirk. What's going on? If you don't want to... we can pretend nothing has changed between us. I don't want to force you into anything you're uncomfortable with."

Dirk accepted his help and crawled ungracefully back inside. He wiped down his pants with an air of casual-ness that was mostly belied by his shaking hands and terrified eyes.

"Todd, I. There are certain things I have never done in my life, but right now I find myself wanting to do all of them and more to you, preferably all at once, even though I'm fairly certain that wouldn't be physically possible."

Todd let out a deep breath. Good, at least they're on the same page there. He stepped closer to Dirk, resting a palm on his chest. "Then what exactly is the problem?"

"I'm the problem. I know what Svlad said, but I'm not psychic; I can't predict how this is going to turn out. But, based on my track record, I'm confident that it can only end in disaster, pain, misery, and death."

"Hey, hey," Todd cradled Dirk's face. "I know that isn't true."

"You can't possibly know that."

"Sure I can. You know you're a dick, right?" Dirk's eyes shot up, and Todd cursed himself. "That didn't come out right. I just mean, you know how annoying you can get. To the point where it drives me and Farah up the wall for _days_."

"Todd, I'm not sure..."

"I just mean," Todd carded his fingers through Dirk's hair, marveling at how soft it was, "you've done almost everything possible to drive us away, but we're still here. I'm still here. And I'm always going to be here. And if there's disaster, pain, misery, and death lying anywhere in your future, there's no way I'll ever let you face it alone."

Dirk stared at Todd for a long while at that, and Todd was beginning to recognize it as his _I can't believe you exist_ stare. Todd loved that stare, especially since he suspected that, any moment, it was going to lead to—

Dirk grabbed Todd's face, and with a move faster than the human eye could track, had him pressed between the kitchen wall and his body, their mouths working together in perfect, frantic unison, much the way they did everything together.

"Yes," Todd affirmed, tugging off Dirk's jacket before any further doubts could get in the way of _this_.

It felt like Dirk's hands were everywhere at once, pawing at his side, his back, his neck, his hair. It was desperate and graceless and so DIrk and it was driving Todd crazy in the best way.

Dirk broke the kiss first. "Todd, I may not have a very good idea of what I'm doing here, but I'm certain I want to be doing it on your bed, and I'm going to need you to be wearing one _hundred_ percent fewer clothes than you currently are."

"Right," Todd said, somehow out of breath already. "Good thinking."

They each undressed themselves to save time, leaving a bright trail of clothes toward Todd's bed. Todd regretted that they weren't taking their time with this; he wanted to spend hours pulling Dirk apart, showing him all the things he could make him feel. But right now, first and foremost, he wanted Dirk, who had set this whirlwind pace. And, as ever, Todd was swept right up.

"Todd," Dirk demanded, once he was lying on the bed, looking up at Todd like he couldn't fathom the few feet between them.

Still, Todd couldn't help but stare. The nudest he'd ever seen Dirk until this moment was in an undershirt and boxers. Now he could see everything; his heaving, lithe chest, unsurprisingly almost hairless; his compact abs; and, of course, his beautiful, dark, hard cock, butting against Dirk's thigh as Dirk already began touching himself in anticipation.

With trouble, Todd dragged his eyes from Dirk's hand on his erection to his face, and saw two powerfully dark eyes staring back at him. The expression there  _did_ something to Todd, and in an instant he was on top of Dirk, replacing his hand with his own.

"Todd," Dirk repeated, far more breathlessly than before. "Please."

Todd wasn't exactly sure what Dirk was asking for, but he hoped it involved Todd's mouth on his cock, because that was something Todd needed to do _right now_.

Fortunately, Dirk was very much amenable to the idea, and he let out a high pitched whine as Todd engulfed him.

"Todd, Todd, Todd. I am hereby promoting you from assistant to, ah, to apprentice. First among your duties is to never stop, _oh God._ "

Lifting his head for a moment, Todd stared up at Dirk. "Shut up," he said.

"Right. Shutting up now."

Todd resumed, bobbing his head and working Dirk with his tongue and lips, dragging his hand everywhere his mouth couldn't reach. His other hand, resting on Dirk's thigh, thrilled at the feeling of his muscles contracting and twitching beneath the skin.

"Okay, not shutting up. I need to tell you, because you are amazing and perfect and _so sexy_. There is a good chance, God, _Todd_ , a chance I am never going to function properly again now that I know how _good_ this feels. And I'm also, _ah_ , very sorry, because I'm afraid I'm about to..."

That was about all the warning Todd got before Dirk started pulsing into his mouth. It had been a while since he'd done this, but Todd swallowed around Dirk until he was a shivering mess.

Dirk was _whimpering_ and petting Todd's head as he rode the aftershocks of his orgasm.

 _Beautiful_ , Todd thought, already looking forward to the next time he could pull those noises from Dirk again.

After a few moments of regaining his breath, Dirk's head shot up. "Are you—?"

He looked down to where Todd had been shamelessly rutting against the mattress. Todd blushed, about to tell Dirk it was okay, that he didn't have to, when Dirk reached out and placed a tentative hand over the tip of Todd's cock.

"Is this okay?"

Todd swallowed and nodded, silently saying, _anything_. Anything was okay, as long as it was Dirk doing it.

Dirk slid his forefinger over the leaking tip of Todd's erection, spreading it around. His ministrations were unsure, cautious. Todd wrapped his own hand around Dirk's and squeezed. They met each other's eyes and Todd exhaled desperately.

Quickly picking up Todd's pace, Dirk sat up and rolled Todd onto his back. He straddled Todd's thighs, focusing his entire attention on his hand on Todd's cock.

Todd wasn't sure what it was that finally drove him over the edge; if it was Dirk's increasingly rapid strokes, or the way he furrowed his eyebrows in concentration, the way he did when particularly perplexed by a new case. Either way, Todd found himself clutching at Dirk's forearm and crying out as he spilled over into Dirk's hand.

Dirk's smile positively radiated at Todd's orgasm, and he played his fingers through the mess on Todd's abdomen. Pleased with himself, he brought his hand, sticky with come, to his mouth and gave a curious lick.

Todd groaned and threw his head into the pillows beneath him.

"I'll get something to clean you up," Dirk said with a self-satisfied grin.

He returned with a piece of cloth, which Todd would later find out had been his favorite t-shirt, and wiped them both off before making himself comfortable in Todd's arms. "Let's do that again as soon as humanly possible," he suggested.

Todd laughed, playing with Dirk's hair like he was addicted. "Well, I'm of the understanding that my new responsibilities as apprentice is to 'never stop' sucking you off."

"Yes," Dirk nodded, solemnly. "That. And so much more."

Todd kissed him on the ear. "I'm looking forward to it," he said.

Dirk leaned in to kiss him again, much less frantic and sweeter than the last kiss. He hummed into Todd's mouth, sleepy and sated.

Todd ended the kiss first, reaching over to turn off the light and settle them into a comfortable position that wouldn't hurt when they woke up. "Hey, Dirk?" he said, once they'd settled.

"Yes?"

"Next time you think I might be in danger, please don't keep it from me."

Dirk stilled, and Todd stroked a comforting hand down his back until he relaxed. "Of course. I'm sorry."

Todd smiled and squeezed his arm around Dirk. "It's okay," he said. _I love you_ , he didn't say. Not yet, anyway.

***

EPILOGUE

"Emery dropped off another note today," Dirk said, greeting Todd home with a kiss. "I gave him the Mexican Funeral CD you left for Svlad and the rest of Farah's birthday cupcakes."

"Damn, I wanted those. The stakeout was a bust, by the way. Petrokov never showed up at the aquarium."

"Well, yes, I knew he wouldn't. Why do you think I didn't want to come?"

"Because you don't have the attention span for sitting still for more than 15 minutes?"

"That, too. We'll get him tomorrow at the University. I strongly doubt he'll be raising his undead army tonight anyway."

"You better be right." Todd opened a beer and took a seat on his side of the couch. He pat the empty space next to him, and Dirk gladly snuggled up immediately. "What'd the note say, anyway?"

"Oh, the usual. Blah blah, desperately in love, blah blah, Svlad fought a tree monster with his manly muscles and stupid bravery, blah blah. They've moved in together, by the way. Todd says Blackwing is furious that Svlad is leaving the facility."

"Mm, it's about time, anyway. I hope for Todd's sake that Svlad isn't as messy of a cook as you are."

"I told you, Todd. I'm a holistic chef. The mess is as fundamental to my process as the temperature of the oven or the measurements of the ingredients."

"Yeah, right. Like you ever measure your ingredients. Oh, stop sulking." Todd wrapped his arm around Dirk's waist and pulled him close enough to place a kiss on Dirk's temple. "So, a tree monster, huh?"

"Yes. And apparently we're supposed to keep our eye out for a suspicious-looking hedge."

"Got it. Hedge." Todd's mouth moved against Dirk's hair. He put his beer down on the coffee table and placed his hands on either side of Dirk's shoulders. Dirk ran his own fingers up and down Todd's back, pulling him closer with gentle pressure.

Dirk felt a vibration coming from Todd's bum and plucked his mobile out of his pocket.

"I was ignoring that," Todd said, crankily against Dirk's neck.

"It's Farah," Dirk read off the screen before answering. "Todd's phone, this is Dirk speaking."

Todd sucked lightly at Dirk's thorax while Dirk hummed his responses to Farah's quick chatter.

"Yes, yes, Farah. Very good." He hung up and slid the phone back into Todd's pocket. Todd's tongue was doing rather marvelous things along the skin of Dirk's collar now, and he craned his neck encouragingly.

"Was that important?" Todd asked.

"Hm, it can wait. Please continue." Dirk sighed contentedly as Todd unbuttoned the top of his shirt. "Besides, how much extra damage can an undead army do if we're an hour late, anyway?"

  


 

 


End file.
